Hotels in Space

Recently there’s been a lot of hype in the media about a hotel that plans to launch in 2012—in space. It’s called Galactic Suites, and reservations lines are expected to be open next year. I would be the first in line if it weren’t for the astronomical price: $4 million for a three-day stay. Now that’s an envious average rate. Since I’ll never be able to afford to be a guest, I thought I might put my name forward as a candidate for hotel manager. Problem is, considering the magnitude of the project and the track record hotels have for opening on time, I fear the launch will be delayed until I’m too old to make the journey—or, well, you know, dead.

That’s the irony of managing a hotel: you become quite comfortable surrounded by luxury and affluence, sometimes to the point where you forget you’re not actually like your guests: they’re rich and you aren’t. It’s always a rude awakening when I go out for dinner and can’t sign the bill to my promo. Hopefully Galactic Suites will offer industry discounts.

The obligatory eighteen-week training period suggests the target market is not your average weekend budget traveler, but more likely business tycoons, rock stars, and billionaire retirees. Fortunately for them, training takes place not in Siberia but at a hotel complex on a Caribbean island. I must say this raised my eyebrow. How will four months on a tropical island prepare these people for space, the most inhospitable environment a human being can endure? A tear in one’s spacesuit would lead to the most painful death imaginable: air would be sucked from lungs, blood would feel like it was boiling in veins, and internal organs would seize. I couldn’t find mention of this in the promotional material.

Why would anyone want to build a hotel in space? Well, why is any hotel built? To make money. When you consider that travelers’ most popular request is a quiet room with a view, imagine how this space hotel could deliver and the premium it could charge—like say, $4 million. Not for the faint of heart, the tour will shuttle guests around the world in a dizzying eighty minutes fifteen times a day at an altitude of 450 km. Promo material boasts that guests will “participate in international space experiments”. Am I paranoid, or does this sound ominous? Will guests conduct the experiments or be the subjects? Let’s hope experiments don’t involve making little tears in spacesuits and pushing guests out the door to see what happens.

As a hotel manager I can’t help but think about other potential challenges. If the hotel overbooks, as hotels like to do, how will relocates be handled? The zero gravity environment will make serving food and beverage challenging, not to mention making beds, cleaning rooms, showering, and, I suppose, using the bathroom. I’m thinking there won’t be a pool, spa, or windows that open. Apparently guests will use Velcro suits to crawl around the hotel by sticking themselves to walls like Spiderman. That could become a real hassle for room service attendants when they forget to bring Ketchup with a delivery. Also, in this age of environmental responsibility, how will a hotel justify rocketing just six guests at a time into space? That’s a lot of carbon credits.

I’ve often said that the hotel business isn’t rocket science, yet it appears it soon will be. The requisite merger of science and hospitality is a bit troubling. The company behind this project is based in Barcelona. As much as I love Spain, my service experiences in that country haven’t been stellar, although admittedly I wasn’t paying $4 million for accommodation. If service is bad, it’s not like you can check out and check into another hotel across the galaxy. The company’s claim that the project is “formed by various professionals in the aerospace industry” is reassuring from a scientific perspective, but where are the hotel industry professionals? Is an astronaut going to be preparing meals and turning down beds at night? They might want to consider getting Singapore involved. And before I get on board, will someone please tell me exactly how many spaceships Spain has built and piloted in the past? I think I’d feel more comfortable if Russia were involved. Whoever it is, I hope they’re better at building hotels than websites. The website for Galactic Suites is just bizarre.

SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT
While on this subject I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that my novel, Murder at the Universe, is set in a futuristic hotel in New York with a space theme. One of the main characters is a former astronaut who is appointed resident manager as a publicity stunt—with disastrous results. The point being, rocket science and hospitality demand very different skills; combining the two might result in really bad reviews on TripAdvisor.

Should I be hired to manage Galactic Suites, I imagine the job will get a little dull at times, what with only three rooms in the entire hotel. Maybe other duties will be involved, like flying the shuttle to and from that Caribbean island. Note to self: during interview don’t mention track record with valet parking at Opus. A company official describes Galactic Suites as a boutique hotel, once again reinforcing this segment’s reputation for being on the cutting edge. This got me even more excited about the possibility—until I read that the company plans to develop an “orbital hotel chain” and one of the partners is intent on colonizing Mars.

Sorry, but I don’t do chains. Or colonies for that matter. I think I’ll stick to Opus for now. I prefer to keep things down to earth.